Dear Mama Part 1 of 4

The Story:

It was a beautiful summer… FULL OF Parties, Barbecues, Pools…B.Y.O.Boooze

But…I had to take summer classes because my GPA had suffered freshman year where parties and boys had clearly taken precedence over school. I woke that morning for the last day of summer semester. Of course, I was rushing because being on time was is not my strongest quality. I didn’t feel too well that morning but I could not miss class-final exams. So I quickly got dressed and ran out of the door. As I sped down the boulevard I became nauseated. I pulled up to campus and no sooner that I opened my car door did I vomit in the parking lot. [YUCK-I hate throwing up] I figured I had just been rushing and didn’t eat that morning or maybe I had eaten something bad that previous night. I didn’t think much of it so I cleaned myself up and ran into class.

_________________________________

I was so exhausted when I got home that I went straight to sleep. I woke up it was THE NEXT DAY. I knew something was wrong. My period had been late and I hadn’t kept track.

I knew I was pregnant.

I was devastated. How could I bring such shame to my family?? The guy I was dating was so on and off [love triangle-d] and we were definitely not ready for a baby…. a relationship where we had more than our share of drama–more downs than ups. I called him and told him to come over.

When he got there I went to the bathroom and took a pregnancy test. We waited for what seemed to be THE LONGEST 3 minutes ever. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO THIS COULD NOT BE HAPPENING. (I had been told I would not be able to conceive. AND I was on birth control.)

I sobbed while he sat there in disbelief. When I finally stopped I knew what I was going to do. I told him and he agreed.

__________________________________________

As I sat in the cold room I noticed girls who seemed as scared as I was…then there were some who obviously made frequent visits. My mind was racing. I just wasn’t sure. I went back and forth in my mind and continued to ask myself if I was making the right decision. Finally, they called my name. I looked back and forth at the exit door then back at the nurse calling my name….

I got up on the table, sat back and began breathing hard. Tears began streaming down my face. The nurse told me to calm down and gave me a shot and all of a sudden the back of my throat felt like a furnace and the room began to spin. I put my legs up at the doctors command and felt a sudden pull and a loud noise…it was over.

I was empty…I was numb…I was detached…I felt selfish…I tried to act like it didn’t happen

The Point:

I AM FORGIVEN.

forgive

*Editors note: It was hard for me to write this because I buried this truth so deep and I felt no one needed to know. I made a choice at the time I thought was best. To this day, I regret my decision.  No one else can judge me as much as I’ve judge myself. I’ve spent many days praying, crying and beating myself up. I’ve gone to counseling because of it. I don’t judge anyone or their reason or guilt or lack of guilt. I’ve just had mine own to deal with. I will revisit this day in a later post. Thanks for reading.

 

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