I had been in labor for 12 hours. But, It seemed like 12 days. This pregnancy was nothing like my pregnancy with my son. My body went through so much change and moreain. Every day I would wake up it felt like 1000 knives all over my body.
-J- had been amazing (the whole pregnancy)…This was the first time he had been in a labor and delivery room. He had been my coach and my ‘calm’. We had been preparing for this moment for 9 months… I didn’t know if I was going to be able to do [this] AGAIN without medicine but I did…
It was time to push.
She was here. Head full of hair. As they lay her on my chest I immediately became |overwhelmed|……… I felt so privileged and scared at the same time.
When I gave birth my son I knew I had to protect him but at some point he would become a man and not need my protection or nurturing. But, I knew -J- could teach him how to be a man.
But, when I saw her I just wanted to protect her from everything. I knew I had to teach her how to be a women. But my insecurities began to show. For a moment I resented the woman I was and the mistakes I had made. I never wanted her to be hurt like I had been. I barely could enjoy the moment. I had brought another life into this world and I couldn’t be happy. My fear took over. The enemy tried to steal my joy. I didn’t want to turn into that mom who would not let her child(ren) live life because of her own anxieties.
John 10:10 says, “The thief comes not but to steal, to kill and to destroy, BUT I come that you may have life and life more abundantly.”
I made up my mind–I would NOT live in fear.
I have had to fight this same fear for so many years. Sometimes life is going so well that we (humanly-selfishly) get scared something bad will happen or that our happiness will be comprised. The truth is life happens…we can’t control that. What we can control is how we live life.
My insecurities are still here and I can’t promise her much. But I can promise that I will love her and show her how to love. If my baby girl was to make the same mistakes I’ve made I will teach her to be strong. I will support her no matter what. I will teach her how to get over hurt and disappointment because life is full of them. I will teach her how to enjoy life. I will teach her that she is beautiful beyond all standards that she will face in society. I will teach her that she is capable of doing ANYTHING. I will always accept her for all she is. I will be there. I will be her biggest fan and best friend. I will tell her about my life and be honest so that she can learn and act accordingly. One day she might become a wife and a mother and she will NOT live in fear. Life’s’ abundant joy will be hers.
Marleigh Kaonia Ntianu